Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
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Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you鈥檙e what
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Me: I鈥檝e always said I鈥檇 never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that鈥檚…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 馃構
at the mcdonald鈥檚 self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you鈥檙e a corrections officer. you鈥檙e not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.