There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
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If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD