If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
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If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
#gardening
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I have a black belt in leather
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice