[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
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doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.