Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
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What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
ibopfufen
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.