Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
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I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Pandas 🐼🖤
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.