Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
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Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.