Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
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[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”