*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
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Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.