HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
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Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude