My stupid belt shrunk again today.
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hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
good morning
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.