With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
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Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.