An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
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cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.