When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
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[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
sin harder.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Omg 🤣
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?