I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
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Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.