[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
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Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
This made me chuckle.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs