Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
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I hacked into my wife鈥檚 computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Day 137 of telling myself I鈥檒l start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 馃檮馃檮馃檮
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can鈥檛 stop laughing about it.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No