I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
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Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight