Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
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I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?