I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
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I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Word!
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so