Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
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If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
🤔😂😂