I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
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-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.