Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
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Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.