when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.