Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
March 16
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I hate everything
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.