Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
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[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?