Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
You Might Also Like
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you