Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
You Might Also Like
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.