Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
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If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
seems like a niche market
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?