[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
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*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
🤣😂
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
My dog ate my work from home.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Friday night party time 🥳
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.