It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
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I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.