[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
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Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Have kids, they said