everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
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If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
everyone has that one prude friend
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real