You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
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Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.