Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
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Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”