Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
You Might Also Like
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I WON A HAM TODAY
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
same bro
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.