At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
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dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
is this a warning or an offer?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress