*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
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Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again