Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
You Might Also Like
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
new record!
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
This one’s “Alex”.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.