My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
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Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.