Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
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People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.