Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
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And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10