Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
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*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!