…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
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If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
#SCOTUS one-star review
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food