Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
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[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
uncle dave has been through hell
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.