[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
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*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck