Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
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Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
A short story of betrayal:
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit