doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
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Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?