The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
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You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Google assistant rules
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Me checking my bank balance online.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.