Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
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*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.